A short, honest message that arrives is worth far more than a perfect one that never gets written.
Most people put off writing a sympathy message because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Then a week passes, and it feels too late. It is not too late, and the bar is lower than you think. A short, honest message that arrives is worth far more than a perfect one that never gets written.
What the message is for
You cannot fix anything, and nobody expects you to. A sympathy message does three small things:
- It tells the person that the death has been noticed.
- It tells them that the person who died mattered to someone outside the family.
- It tells them they are not alone.
That is all. Two or three sentences can do it.
A simple shape
If you are stuck, write one line for each of these.
- Acknowledge the death. Use the person’s name. “I was so sorry to hear that Ray has died.”
- Say something true about them. A memory, a quality, or what they meant to you.
- Say something to the person you are writing to. That you are thinking of them, or what you saw of their care.
- Offer something specific, or simply close. “I will drop a meal round on Thursday” or “No need to reply.”
Dear Jenny,
I was so sorry to hear that Ray has died. I worked beside him at the depot for twelve years, and he was the person everyone went to when something broke, including the people who were supposed to be fixing it. He talked about you and the girls constantly.
I am thinking of you all. Please do not feel you need to write back.
With love, Paul
This example, like the others in this guide, is about invented people.
The most useful thing you can include
If you have a memory of the person who died, write it down. It does not need to be significant. A small story the family has never heard is a real gift, because it shows them a part of the person’s life they did not see.
I do not think I ever told you this, but when I started at the school your mum left a casserole on my doorstep in the first week with a note that said “You will not have time to cook.” I still have the dish. I have been meaning to return it since 2009.
Families keep these. They read them again months later.
Examples for different situations
When you knew the person well
Dear Tom, I cannot get used to the idea that Helen is not at the end of the phone. She was my friend for forty years and she made me laugh in every one of them. I will miss her terribly, and I am holding you and the kids close in my thoughts. I will ring you next week.
When you did not know the person who died
Write to the person who is grieving, and say so plainly.
Dear Sam, I never met your dad, but I know how much he meant to you from the way you spoke about him. I am so sorry. I am thinking of you this week.
A colleague
Dear Priya, I was very sorry to hear about your mother. Please do not give work a thought. We have your projects covered for as long as you need. Thinking of you and your family.
After a sudden or very hard death
When someone has died young, suddenly, or by suicide, people often say nothing because the words feel too small. Say something anyway, and keep it simple.
Dear Anna and Mark, there are no words that are any use, so I will only say that we love you, we loved Josh, and we are here. We are not going anywhere.
Do not ask what happened, and do not offer explanations.
A text message
A text is fine, particularly in the first days, and for friends you would normally text. Keep it short and remove any pressure to answer.
Just heard about your nan. So sorry, mate. No need to reply. Thinking of you.
A card later is still welcome. One does not replace the other.
When you are late
Dear Lorraine, I should have written weeks ago and I am sorry it has taken me this long. I have thought of you and of Bill often. He was a good man and a patient neighbour, especially about our dog.
A late message is often read with more attention, because it arrives after the flood has stopped.
Things to leave out
Most of these are said with kindness. They tend to land badly because they explain the loss, shrink it, or turn attention away from the person grieving.
- “He is in a better place” or “It was God’s plan”, unless you are certain the family shares that belief
- “At least she had a long life” or anything else beginning with “at least”
- “Everything happens for a reason”
- “I know exactly how you feel”
- “She would not want you to be sad”
- “You are so strong”
- A long account of your own bereavement
- Advice about what they should do next
“Let me know if there is anything I can do” is not harmful, but it hands the grieving person a job. A specific offer is easier to accept: “I can take the kids to sport on Saturday”, “I will mow the lawn this weekend unless you tell me not to.”
Faith and belief
If you know the family is religious, it is kind to write in terms that mean something to them, such as “You are in our prayers”, provided it is true for you. If you do not know what they believe, plain words suit everyone: “thinking of you”, “with love”, “with deepest sympathy”. If you are religious and they are not, you can pray for them without making the card about it.
Practical questions
- Handwritten or typed? Handwritten if you can. Messy handwriting is fine.
- How long? Three to six sentences is plenty. A full letter is welcome if you have stories to tell.
- Who do I address it to? The person you know. Add “and family” if you want to include the household.
- “Died” or “passed away”? Either. Follow the word the family uses if you know it.
- How do I sign off? “With love”, “With sympathy”, “Thinking of you”, or “With fond memories of Ray”.
- Should I send it to the funeral home? If you do not have a home address, the funeral director will usually pass cards on to the family.
- What about online condolence pages? Write as you would in a card, and remember it is public. A memory of the person suits these well.
After the funeral
The weeks after the service are often the loneliest. The cards stop, the visitors go home, and the paperwork starts. A message at six weeks, on a birthday, or on the first anniversary, tells someone their person has not been forgotten.
Thinking of you today. A year without Helen. I made her lemon slice on the weekend and got it wrong, as usual.
If you were close and have been asked to speak at the service, there is a separate guide on how to write a eulogy.
Memories are also the thing families ask for most when they are putting a tribute together. If the family you are writing to is gathering stories and photographs on a memorial page, such as one made with Tribute Studios, the memory in your card belongs there as well.